I Was Let Go. But I Let Go First.

I was terminated from my job. That sounds better than being fired, I guess. I was told recently by someone that worked for me that they were told that it had “nothing to do with my leadership.” Which, I suppose, is correct.  

It’s a funny thing to be fired from my job, but not because I was not doing my job well. 

I was also told, by one person in words and the other by no response, that some people are upset with me. I know I hurt many with my actions. I probably will never know the true extent of which and that’s OK.  

Because no matter how bad the situation was, what happened – all of it, no matter how painful it was to get to where I am now, sitting on my couch typing this – was a huge blessing. And I am free. 

I don’t mean of work, or that employer. I am finally free of me. Of my need to please people. Of my need to please anyone other than God.  

I have had time to reflect on two key issues while not working – how my past led me to this moment and how I can see that traumatic events in my life have turned out to be huge blessings in my life, lessons learned, monumental course corrections that have brought me closer to myself, to home, and to Him.  

For my entire life, I had been trained to feel as though I was not enough, or I was too much, depending on the situation or character trait. The way I received consistent positive feedback was by helping. I became the helper. The people pleaser. That became my identity. If I worked hard enough, if I gave enough of myself, if I buried any bad feelings or thoughts, never had anyone mad at me, let people take advantage of me, then somehow, someway, I was good enough.  

Until, always, it failed. I would crash. Become suicidal. By body would physically crash. I would lash out, become angry, become someone I wasn’t. Say things I didn’t mean. Become harsh, critical. Blame others for what I was allowing to be done to me and through me.  

It was a pattern I had to break free of as it was literally and figuratively killing me.  

At 44, I am finally starting to find my identity and my voice. And while I don’t believe in regrets, there is sadness in it taking this long with a long list of damage done and people hurt in the wake of it.  

At the same time, I’m here, now. Awake, finally, after 44 years. And me, finally, at peace. The villain in some ways, the victim in others, the pariah. To me, though? I’m blessed. 

That’s all, really. 

I have never been more grounded, secure, confident, joyful, at peace, and secure in God’s love and grace. I have never been so sure of the path ahead because I know it’s whatever God’s will is for me.  

It’s His moment, not mine. And it feels so good. 

I’ve used this time with intention with Him. Working on some family matters that have needed addressed. Home projects long neglected. Self-projects long awaited. 

But mostly with Him, always with Him. 

When I was focused on pleasing others, I became someone who I wasn’t. I said hurtful words about others. Talked behind the backs of others in ways that were not godly. Acted in ways that I did not recognize. And I wanted to die. I didn’t see how I could continue to be someone that could guide my children appropriately, to be a good mother, wife, or leader in my role.  

Instead of walking into traffic, which was on my mind one day in the fall of 2024, I instead walked closer to God. In doing so, I was also walking away from situations in my life that were causing pain daily. I started to realize I was worshiping what others thought of me more than I was worshiping Him. I worshiped my role as a leader more than Him, my reputation more than Him. And I started to realize that there were some people in my life who relied on that. As I walked closer to God, some became upset as I stopped relying as much on them for my comfort, strength, self-confidence and self-worth. And it led to loss of relationships.  

And ultimately to the loss of my job, as actions and ugly words that I had said months prior when I was in a much different place were shared with the company. Actions have consequences, and I accept that. Always have. I have come to terms with what I did while I was at an extremely low and vulnerable point in my life. 

The irony? All of those events and actions happened months before. See, when I was at my lowest point, to the point where I almost ended my life, again I took a different path. I started to put in the hard work. I started to focus on God instead. And it’s been a long, difficult journey. I have uncovered depths of unresolved trauma that I did not know existed. It’s been brutal, and worth it. It’s caused friction within my family that we have been working through and are coming out on the better side of with more holistic and loving relationships.  

The person I was, and still am, being judged for isn’t me. It never was, really, but it was me from a different place and time. It’s sad they couldn’t see that. But to my great benefit that they didn’t, because with God’s help, I am free and moving on to whatever His will is for me now.  

And this time, I’m listening.